I slept in a little late and am not ready to sleep yet. I felt the need to express myself. I have been a spiritual student putting my nose into other people’s views of what reality is and piling up one belief after another. Of course, sometimes I would question those beliefs. Know that I question them for myself and not for you. This questioning led me to be very unpopular on forums because I would adopt another’s belief system and try to understand it. So they would think I was making progress in life. Yet, no matter what belief system I studied or how long I attempted to study it, my life remained the same. So I would start to question that belief system.

Now I am not talking about simple belief systems, I am talking about systems that are common in the spiritual community like Law of Attraction or Law of One. People don’t like hearing my reasons for questioning such things (so I will not list them). Yet, as someone who has channeled in the past, I do not give an idea credibility simply because it was channeled. I loved channeled messages, but I would want no one to put more faith in any of my writings just because some are channeled. People tend to give too much power over to the idea of channeling so I avoid channeling.

I want a world where it is safe to question Law of Attraction and Law of One without needing to be seen as unenlightened and in need of correction. I want to be able to express myself freely, my doubts as well as my faith.

I recently went through and changed all my writings on a certain forum over to saying, ‘blank.’ It felt liberating. I felt less weighted down. It took about three hours to convert all my posts to say ‘blank,’ but I needed to go through the process to let go of the beliefs.

I know very little. I might sometimes pretend to be the ‘wise women,’ but I am actually more like the ‘wise child.’ My wisdom is not based on experience for I have very little life experience. I owe this to getting lost in the belief systems of others and never discovering my own.

Even as a child, instead of playing for the experience I was taught to read and memorize what others felt was true. This is the common course of childhood. Yet, this process continued and soon I was a spiritual student who pursued many beliefs and didn’t really understand hardly any of them.

Now I admit. How very little I know. I can pretend to adopt the beliefs of another, but I cannot own them. Nor do I want anyone to adopt my beliefs. I just want to write.

I did a detox today with dandelion tea and apple cider vinegar. My body felt great on the second day of detox, but my feelings started to contrast. My feelings wanted to detox, which is something I do through writing/listening to k-pop/listening to voices I trust.

I couldn’t sleep and started to listen to Eckart-Tolle. Not because I needed to learn something from him, but that his voice is deep and wise.  After about five minutes the emotion bubbled up and I switched to ‘The Sacred Heart Meditation’ by Matt Kahn and Julie Dittmar. I listened to the Inner Child ‘I Love You’s’ which is pretty much a track of a young girl saying sweet things that warm the heart.  I was missing my nephew or at least that is how the emotion decided to be known to me.

My mind drifted a tarot reading I did for myself many months ago, that was for 12 months. It ended up being fairly true. For the month of October, the reading had said, “Something has ended and you were not quite yet ready for it.” That is what I wrote. Indeed the loneliness began to affect me in October much more than September. Thankfully I have better months ahead, if the reading continues to be accurate. I was a little upset by remembering another 12-month reading I had done in September which told of possible sickness in the family. I will not write more detail for fear that writing it out will make it come to pass.

Anyway, I wanted to do another 12-month tarot reading, but after shuffling the cards and drawing 6 months, I changed my mind. I switched to the Celtic cross spread. It was a very good reading. The readings told me that my emotion was only partly about my nephew and missing him. When I gave up my beliefs and need to seek answers, I had closed a door and opened another one. Only I had no idea what that other door would be. So I was feeling a lack of purpose. Just living to take care of my cat Jemma was not filling up my need for purpose. I had been substituting a quest for knowledge as my purpose. Yet, in letting go of that quest I suddenly felt directionless.

The cards told me it was time to reflect and not to be afraid of pursuing dreams. I decided that my purpose was to heal the world and when asked how I would do that. I said I would heal myself. The only teacher who ever really continuously helped me was Matt Kahn. I know he does not resonate with everyone for Matt, like me, questions ideas that the spiritual community has decided are canon.

Matt Kahn helped me learn how to have a better relationship with people around me and has helped me through some tough times much better than therapy ever did. Recently, I felt the need to spend money on the ‘clearing family karma’ package that was offered at discount through a radio show. It was totally worth it. I intend to listen to the whole thing again and to review many other audios/videos during this October of “Something has ended and you were not quite yet ready for it.”