I’ve been in the Hermit mode maybe a little too long. Long before lockdown. As an Introvert I expressed myself best in writing. Perhaps it was my Virgo Sun and Libra Moon, signs for a deep thinker. I got ever bolder enjoying the feeling of writing with passion. I moved from this Blog to the world of forums where there was more interaction. Yet, I attracted haters. I became perhaps too bold.
The haters silenced me. Not for months, but for years. I returned to my shell that I had just started escaping from. I do enjoy writing and expressing emotions in writing. When I am feeling motivated I will write a motivated post about returning to the blog or writing a book. This is not a motivated post, more introspective. Introspective is the crowning glory of the Introvert.
I follow many off the beaten path channels on YouTube and I know of many ways to look up information that will lead down a rabbit hole or two… two dozen. Yet, I don’t want to lead anyone down rabbit holes. Sure I enjoy the next conspiracy theory as much as the last, but that is not the reality I want to exist in. I have decided on Pronoia, the belief that the Universe is conspiring in your favor.
I am aware. Very aware of many differing realities. Yet, which one do I want to live in? Where do I belong? Where there is joy, peace, serenity. Yet, where are these things? Perhaps they are to be found inside of me.
I have dived deep into my soul the last few months. Learning to hear intuition where I once heard limitation. The outside can appear so bleak with New sources and Loved ones maybe getting a little lost in the narrative. We are all here to play our role in the play after all. Yet, I am asking what my heart has to say about things?
On my inside, I make the rules. In my mind I can visit anywhere in time and place. The realm of the self is hardly limited by the limitations set on the outside world. In the outside world, I do follow the rules. I silently observe what the others say here and there.
What does my heart say? It wants to learn to love unconditionally. I am going on my own journey of Love. Perhaps a little unconventional, but I was told recently to keep the inside world secret so that the limitations others hold are not heard to create more doubt to deal with.
The inner world does not reveal secrets of the future to me. Most questions are answered with silence and if I cannot think of a question none are provided for me. The outer world provides many questions and answers to questions I didn’t think to ask.
What do I know? Nothing. What have I learned? Love. When I go within I see that there is Love inside of me. And Love exists without words. Poets have tried and failed to capture it. Some very artfully so.
It is true that there levels of delusion and confusion covering up the inner world. I can entertain myself quite a bit trying to figure out what is going on in the world. Weighing my intuition against my fears and doubts.
The secret is I have a vague understanding of how success works. Where I could use my talents to be quite successful and I know it. Yet, success seems like just another game to play. An entertaining distraction that I have resisted for years.
In the end I don’t feel the need to validate my existence with success. If I did I’d be on Tic Tok, far outside of my comfort zone. Yes, I do like the feeling when someone reads my writing. I remember when I first started out, and someone would like my posts almost as soon as I posted them. It turned out being a bot, but I thought I had a fan.
Yet, I need to turn off the reader in my mind as I write. A hard thing to do. All too often when I write something good, I give myself brownie points as I write it, picturing it being received well. I really need to focus on myself and go inward in the quest of writing as much as when I close my eyes to shut out the distractions of the outer world.
Outer world, you are far too chaotic for me to base my inner well being on your appearance. No offense outer world, but I am focusing on healing myself.
Sometimes I feel exhausted on this healing journey. How any years have I been healing and while I have changed greatly, how much longer must I heal before I am healed? ‘A Course in Miracles’ says there is no order in difficulty in miracles. Reading this in my head I created the saying, it is as easy to heal a paper cut as heal a pandemic. Just as it is as easy to create a button as a castle.
The saying ‘Healer, heal thyself,’ pops into my mind. So is healing easy or hard? I certainly believe in order of difficulty in healing. Even if I atuned to Reiki healing. I have not healed myself. I have changed myself.
I am not saying the old me was less than the new me. Just different. Even if you think that personalities cannot change over time. When I was younger I was more of an INFJ and as I aged I transformed into an INFP.
Thank you 🙏 Introspection time over… for now. Maybe I will go listen to some BTS now.