What are you words that I rely on you so. What are you concepts that I need to call you up in order to understand. The deeper understanding beyond the words or concepts.
I am a writer, I play with words. I am a thinker who also thinks in words and ideas. I can feel the one who sees the words and sees the concepts. Yet, it seems empty of words or concepts. It is quite content to look through the eyes and see what is seen. I listen to the sounds and thoughts, but what is behind it is very still.
No matter what drama plays out around me, it observes and allows whatever reaction I have to it. Yet, even if I am shaking with fear, it is not emotional. It too is me. I see it and can feel this abiding calmness. This okay-ness.
The world can be in the middle of a pandemic, yet this part of me knows it exists beyond the reach of virus. This part of me allows me to make whatever logical choice I require on the questions asked of me. The logical me hears the world and isolates. The logical me concluded that wearing a mask would not hurt me and therefore in the hopes of not spreading death wears one.
Yet, this deeper me is as unafraid of death as ever. It feels not death. This deeper me sees the part of me that understands death. This deep me feels only existence.
Here the mind has stirred for a second thinking of a concept that might express this. Not sure what to say about the experience of the deeper me than that it has been there throughout all my memory. Death is not in my memory, just the idea that things die. The concept that what happens outside will happen to me. Because others spoke of this and I listened.
The me that sees me seeing the other. Yes I can see that something that sees me seeing the other is also seen by something. Logically mind understands that this can be extended like a camera filming the image of itself. Each repetition is more distant and small, but it echos as far as can be seen.
What I am saying is that the me that sees the other. Even the concept of the other who will read my words. This me is seen by a me that is seen by another me and this can reach far back yet the feeling becomes lighter with every repeat.
I exist in this World as a me that is largely unafraid of death. When the quarantine was just starting I was talking on the phone. I pretended to be upset by what was happening when I was really just experiencing what was happening from a more distant place. It was an interview for a study and they were filling out a questionnaire and I think the question was about if I had OCD or a panic disorder. So I said something around the lines of currently thinking about viruses a lot. The interviewer said that, ‘they were talking about small issues not big things. Was I afraid of any small things?’
So I jokingly said viruses and they thought it was a joke playing on viruses being so small they cannot be seen. So they laughed. Yet, at the same time it was my deeper self telling my animated self, “This is a movie I am watching. Go ahead and pretend along with the other. I am untouchable as I exist beyond the realm of touch.”
When the World has a trauma like this pandemic I suddenly feel myself playing my role all the more strongly. I remember a number of times when others were in fear when I was a child, I wanted to make jokes. Because while I knew I should be afraid, I sensed a part of me that was unmoved by the drama.
In my lifetime my mind would think back to these moments and think I was using humor for coping. Usually when I made jokes in a time that should have been fearful, I would be told to stop. I always listened. This interview was the only time that this joking as I exaggerated my role in the play actually lightened the mood.
Yes, my ego is an actor. I decided to take up acting when interacting with the world because of the way people acted when I expressed my confusion about what is real and reality. I studied how other people talked about the spiritual so that I could express this feeling of a deeper reality without freaking people out. I learned the vocabulary required to act within the play and talk about maybe, just maybe being something else.
A lot of people use science to understand the world. Yet, in a way science is just a series of words followed by more words. The feeling of the me that I always fail to put into words. That is what I base my view of reality on. The me that is there before the thought. The seer that sees the thoughts as they flow on, and no matter how quickly or slowly they flow, just is there.
At times in my life in talking to people I have wanted to say, “I know you are acting. I know you must also feel this deeper feeling that this is not all there is.” Yet, then I play out in my mind how that person would respond. I conclude that the most logical choice is to just act along.
I am an actor. I observe the reality another person is acting from and I try to find ways of acting that will make them aware of the reality another person is acting from. I gage how upset they will be if I use some liberal vocabulary to talk to this conservative and maybe try to get the conservative to see the liberal reality so there will be less fighting. I also drop some hints to the liberal of what the reality is for the conservative, but really I see that neither reality is the true reality.
In a sense I am just pointing to different realities in the hopes that everyone will stop being so triggered, fearful and upset. Saying that, ‘You know you have other choices that you do not see.’ Yet, to talk to any reality, I must pretend I believe that reality. That is where I am an actor.
As deep as I have evaluated this feeling of ‘I am’ is the deepest reality. The one thing that has been consistent. I see. I hear. I smell. I think. I feel. I taste. All these things are changeable. The ‘I’ is the only repeat. If the ‘I’ was followed by something like, ‘I have a headache.’ I’d likely be doing something other than writing. Yet, the ‘I’ would be the same.
While I am still playing in words and concepts, I have perhaps been more authentic today. Sometimes I do not feel the deeper ‘I’ very much and act quite well. Yet, the more drama the World throws at me, the more I realize the act. I feel that part of me that observes.
I have been acting so much lately. I act one way with my Sister and one way with my Brother and another way with my Mother. There is a layer of the mind that cannot figure out which is the safest way to act. It tries to act in the way that will produce the most harmony with the other. Because the deeper ‘I’ is calm the other layers want calm, balance, unity.
So I have confessed to the World that I have been acting along. I have wanted to drop the persona quite a while. Yet, I could only do so in words. I do not even think I could have spoken my confession.
The deeper me, that experiences does not really care who is president. It observes how the actor or mind me feels about it. Yet, the mind me has looked into so many realities that it knows not what reality is. So the mind me steps down to the deeper me and says, “Whatever happens, I will face it. I still want some control, but I do not know how to control. I acknowledge you as there and less confused than me. So maybe you know what to do. Yet, I still insist on acting. I still feel fear of rejection.”
The deeper me observes this with the same calm as if my mind were racing around trying to control everything. It is the same observation either way. This mind has tried to understand without understanding. At times it feels tired.
It is willing to drop the mask this much from time to time. I vaguely recall making a similar confession before in writing. Did I better put into words the un-word-able this time?