Beginnings

Painting my reality

mattkahnI have been watching many youtube teachers. Such as Bentinho Massaro, and Matt Kahn (True Divine Nature). I have also been seeking guidance from blogger Laura Bruno, and reading the blog Angelicview. In the past I’ve read angel books by people like Doreen VirtueKyle Gray, and Lorna Byrne.

I have to say I’ve been on a journey with a great variety of teachers… many not listed above. While I was watching Bentinho talk about painting my own reality, I realized that is what I am doing. For a long time I have been collecting paints, of such vivid colors and richnesses, from teachers and life.

Before my picture of reality was largely painted by others, by parents and teachers at school. It was more of a collage then an actual printing of my own hand. The images were picked out for me. That collage of reality conflicted with who I was, because it was not made by me. I tried to make myself fit into that reality, but it only caused disorder and stress. It was such a bad fit that it cracked, and I entered Insanity. My mental illness was, in effect, this poorly fitting reality shattering.

I did my best to pick up the pieces. Yet, I could never fix all the pictures of my collage to fit into my old version of reality. I’d seen that collage fall apart, and saw that it was not real. I continued life, but in a disconnected way. I’d given up on fitting in, and for a long time was just waiting to die.

Yet, my true nature was always whispering to me. Those things that filled me with wonder. It was the metaphysical that I gravitated towards, perhaps because I felt so discontented with the physical. If the physical was so unhappy, why wouldn’t I be drawn to something beyond it.

Some people would have turned to God, but the God I was taught about did not fill me with happiness anymore. The God, I had been taught about, seemed to focus too much on conditional love to make me happy. Yes, they said he gave unconditional love, but at the same time he would send sinners to hell. Too much of a focus on Sin and Fear went with the God was raised to believe in.

I never stopped believing in God, but I stopped believing that the God I had been taught about was the true one. I still pray to this day, and read books about Angels.

I was drawn to the metaphysical, but I had been taught it was Sinful. I feared greatly that my interest would send me to hell, but could not stop. Then I came to the realization that if God was Love, he would never send anyone to hell forever. This was an idea that took a long time for me to accept.

To gain courage in breaking away from my Childhood religion I’d watch Atheist videos. At times I’d wonder at how greatly they misunderstood God, but knew that many non-Atheists just as greatly misunderstand. It was the fault of Organized Religion focussing to much on exclusion, sin and hate. So I stopped looking for a new Religion to join.

There was another obstacle to my going towards the metaphysical, Science. Scientists tend to label it was Insanity. That Intuitives were Cold Readers, and Astrology against logic… scientists are smart, educated people, who can make convincing arguments. For example, Phil Plait’s Bad Astronomy particularly washed away my tide of New Age inspiration. In the end, my way of overcoming this obstacle wasn’t based on logic, but feeling. The magic was taken away from my life when I believed reality unmagical. I was unhappy, and uninspired.

I still believe in Science, just like I still believe in God. Yet, I realize that Science is made by people. In particular, people creating Science based on studies of the physical world. Science cannot understand the metaphysical because it is based in the physical. I realize there are Scientists who are also Spiritual, but Science is not the study of the Spiritual. I realize, that for some people, Science offers great happiness, and that the physical is enough for them. Yet, that is not me. What makes me happy is not the same as them, and I wish they wouldn’t label that as Insane.

So I entered the New Age world, and began collecting more paints. I have run into the paintings of many New Age teachers, but none are complete fits. One of my favorite teachings by Bentinho, is that he says to take only what resonates, and feels good. He says feeling Good is the Higher Self’s way of telling us something is right, and feeling bad is telling us it is wrong. An example could be that when Science blocked out my inspiration it felt bad so, at least for me, it was wrong.

From different New Age teachers, there is that which resonates, but never have I come across someone where all the teachings resonate. I think this is on purpose. If it resonated completely, I would just take that person’s picture of reality and accept it as my own.

I have to paint my own reality. I am doing it more every day, as a little bit of the paint is added, or the clay molded. I am drawn to find new paints, to make a more colorful painting. This time my reality will be my own. My Masterpiece, that will change its shape everyday. My reality today does not match any made before, and tomorrow it will look different.

It will be more fluid, so that it is harder to crack. If it ever solidifies, it will hold me like a cocoon. Inside I will be changing, because I never stop growing. A rigid reality is a cocoon. It will either shatter like an egg, or be genteelly exited like a butterfly.

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