Beginnings

Clock Approaching 1am

Surprisingly my energy shifted quickly today. Was riding in the passenger seat and looked into the eyes of a stranger who looked mildly annoyed with me. Suddenly the mood shifted and when I got home, after eating, I decided to block out external stimuli and seek inner guidance.

So I decided to lay in bed and think. I know a simple ‘return to sender’ of the energy might have shifted the energy back to my usual peaceful self, but I wanted to examine the feeling. While many teachers will say over 99% of your thoughts and emotions are not really yours, I am not convinced that the energy I pick up from another person isn’t really mine. If it is there, it has a reason.

Anyway, after I had thought and shifted the energy back to my ownership, it was so pleasant to be comfortable in bed that I napped. So this is why with the clock getting closer to 1am, I get the urge to write instead of sleep.

The days pass quietly around here. My new roommate is traveling so I have the full apartment to myself. I have always been a bit of a hermit, but now the world is asking me to spend more time in my hermitage.

Many days have been before me with only myself to decide what to do with them. I have started cooking more. As has always been my habit the more I earn money working, the less I cook and the more money I spend on food. Now I have plenty of time to cook my food and I am discovering that I really do know how to cook.

My spiritual learning has actually been less. Before, working in a library, I would be able to study texts at work. I was working on ‘A Course in Miracles’ before the library closed. I have to say I have made little progress on the book since.

I have studied a little bit of the Korean language and spent a lot of time watching k-pop videos. If I was an ARMY before, I am certainly a bigger ARMY now.

I am also Instagramming more.

I do not live the most complex life. I remain an outsider without a group. I’ve traveled so often as the lone wolf.

I wonder how the divergence of realities is going and what will decide which reality I end up in. Darryl Anka talked about the divergent realities as trains moving away from each other. The further they moved apart the faster they traveled and the harder it becomes to jump from train to train.

Looking at so many people online appearing to live in different realities I begin to wonder which one I will end up in. For there are elements of online culture that make me want to crawl up in a shell knowing I do not have the background to survive without being canceled for non-conformity.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy acting like I have have millions of followers on Instagram. It makes it more fun. Just like as I write this, I picture there are people who enjoy reading it.

I do not put my efforts into seeking a following for my writing or my pictures. Yet, I wonder, once the realities diverge will I be in one where I can survive on the Internet without having to conform?

I have noticed that over the years the culture in the United States has shifted towards liking the things I enjoy. Knowledge that was once esoteric is increasingly mainstream. I wonder if the United States shifted or I found a reality of United States that was a better fit for who I was.

Now it is past 1am and I am slowly inching closer to 2am.

Honestly reality is so multidimensional that I can exist accepting it as working one way and jump to it working the opposite way without getting upset. When I think of how it works in one moment, it feels right in the moment. Then I will think of it existing in another way, and that too is right for the moment.

Part of me has come to accept, that I am not going to understand how reality works. And if the talk of realities diverging is literal or metaphorical really doesn’t matter. Because I will decide if it is true and I will see the world from the eyes that believe that decision.

I am actually quite indecisive. I know I have this power to decide what I believe and to see the world from that point of view. This is what perhaps will cause the realities to diverge. Yet, I flow from one belief system to another.

My mind would really like to understand how reality works. I have been given many suggestions over the years. I am like the student who keeps on learning, yet never seems convinced with the teachings. I have heard the point of view given that we are Masters taking advanced classes. I have heard the point of view that we are Dunces who are given simple teachings that we never seen to grasp.

Despite being given many reasons for my existence over the years, I do not really know why I am here. Is it purposeful or purposeless? So many use purpose to justify their existence. Filling the day with task after task. Yet, there are also teachers who speak of living a life that does not need to be justified with purpose.

Really it is late enough now that I should stop with the writing and get ready for bed. Thank you for pondering with me. This perhaps will be a pondering without a conclusion because I have given up on finding a conclusion.

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