I was just listening to Matt Kahn on Angel Academy, and I had some thoughts I need to write. I realize I can be kind of topsy turvy on my relationship with my vitamin b. I had declared that I was going to think of my medication as just being vitamin b. I also declared that I would think of myself as psychic and not Schizoaffective.
It can be a rough course having a mental illness. The questions of where to draw the lines between psychic or ill are shady. For both can have visions and hear things.
I came to the conclusion that the medication created by Doctors was unknowingly guided by Angels to be extremely grounding substances. I even wrote about it. Then I built up the courage to ask my Psychiatrist for less medication. I didn’t tell him that I wanted to be a little less grounded in my life. Or that I wanted to instead live the life of a psychic for I felt with age I had matured to be able to handle the abilities that had so ungrounded me when they opened that I lost sense of reality.
I knew this would never get me to try a lower dose, and instead tried to convince my Doctor that perhaps now that my thyroid was balanced I no longer needed as much medication.
When my Psychiatrist refused, I felt trapped. I was tempted to say that if you will not decrease my medication I would decrease it myself. Yet, I knew this could put me in a difficult situation, if my Psychiatrist became worried enough to call authorities then soon someone would be visiting my house every day to witness me take my medication. (Yes there are programs that do that.)
So I just was quiet, and came up with the intention to pray that my medication be transformed into vitamin b after arriving home. I was taking back my power in this action.
I knew very well that I could use my memory of how long Psychiatrist had taken to taper me onto new medications, to start cutting the pills into fourths and then halves. I did not want to lie to my family, however. I did not want to be forced into being the deceiver.
While using prayer to transform my medication into vitamin b, I was a little worried that I might be transforming medication I actually might need. So I changed my prayer to “May this be transformed to the right amount for me.”
You might not think this makes a big difference, but it is declaring my intention to the Universe. If it is the wrong amount, and I need less (or even more) repeating this prayer every night will someday bring it into fruition.
I do not want my struggle with whether I need my medication to cause anyone else to have the same struggle. However, if you naturally have this struggle you might try this prayer.
So I am admitting that I wanted to be less grounded (which is a medical condition that Doctors choose to call psychosis), because I was unhappy with my life.
Medication has always brought me into ‘reality,’ but it was often a painful one. It was a ‘reality’ I was unmotivated to participate in. After I had failed at killing myself once, I never tried again. I felt I was being forced to live, and each day was like waiting for my death to come naturally.
How do you expect someone who doesn’t even want to live, to find a job after college. I finished college because I was just handling one day at a time. As I was already in college when I became ill, I just continued on that path. When that path ran out, I was expected to motivate myself to get a job, and I didn’t even want to be alive.
No matter how much my medication changed around, I also had a big sleep disorder. It was linked to my antipsychotic. Either my antipsychotic would make me extra suicidal, mess with my hormones, or give me a chronic sleep disorder.
So I spent years in a state of barely seeing daylight, not wanting to live, and unmotivated to make any changes. I was taken completely off my antipsychotic at one point, to see if my sleep problems would disappear. Seems my other medications were contributing to the sleep disorder too.
My thyroid was unbalanced, so my thoughts were not the clearest. No one knew this, and no change in medication seemed to make a difference.
This whole time, on and off my antipsychotic I was having conversations with spirits. I had strong spiritual experiences, and the ability to have sex with spirits. (An ability I have had since a young age before I was considered mentally ill.) I could not hear or see anything, it was like my imagination at play. So I have always been able to walk that thin line of questioning if it is a mental illness, or the play of a bored mind.
Even years before I became ungrounded enough to be considered ill, I was questioning if I was well. It was this question that ungrounded me even more.
The fact is, I walk right on the line between psychic and psychotic. I have all my life. I stepped over the line because of stress in my life in my college years.
The stigma is great for mental illness, whereas the psychic is honored. I think the only person who I would trust to see past the stigma and use their Intuitive abilities to give me advice is Matt Kahn. I want to sign up for the next Angel Academy in the hopes that he can talk to me about this issue. My phone number stands out, so there is a good chance the universe would help me be chosen.
I know that this would be a hard topic to navigate for anyone. Yet, it is one that needs to be talked about. I don’t want to get Matt in trouble, and as such I wonder if a private session would be better. I’d have to wait over a year for an answer, as he is currently booked completely.
Listening to the Angel Academy recordings, inspired me to want to write. For Matt Kahn was doing much talking about the importance of being grounded. I was wondering if he would tell me that medication is a grounding substance. This isn’t how I was thinking I’d write this post.
I am supposed to be sleeping to fix my schedule. I am having trouble falling asleep earlier even if I am waking a little earlier. I was listening to Matt Kahn to calm down and sleep, but this time the recordings gave me more energy. Then I had to pause to express myself.
I had a bold statement to make, and it kind of got lost in the writing.