Dance of memory and delusion

As the rain has mostly passed and now the stream outside my window is rushing with the runoff of water. I settle down to write. I felt I should write a number of times since the last post, opening up a blank post, only to lose interest before I could start a stream of thought.

I re-read an old post last night. I think it might be some of my strongest writing even if it only got two likes and few views. The level of esoteric information in that post makes it for a small audience so I will not link or give the title. In the state of mind I am in at the moment I could not write a post that deep.

I am at the surface level of thought right now. My reformed Ego is very much in place. The post I read last night was during a time when it felt like my Ego had partially dissolved before I wrote it. It took a few days to get my reformed Ego up and in place.

Other than having had a lot more coffee the week leading up to that point (which might have increased my frequency) it was a natural dissolution of Ego. It was a very powerful post, but given at the wrong time in a journey what could be nutritional turns into poison. The same words that could heal one person will harm another when it comes so some esoteric information.

I’ve run into diverse information on my journey. Some of that information I do not share, but hint at. One thing is that the amount of work required to explain the information… it’d be better to just mention the source and let people do with it what they will.

Honestly I am working on living life with the many layers of esoteric knowledge I have discovered over the years. As a child my head was often in the clouds to the point I walked down the street looking at the ground and hardly looking up. I was in my own world that I found more interesting than anything around me.

Yet, a longing to live what I was imagining arose in me. I could create stories in my mind of me as the star as the hero, but I could not touch them. So my eyes rose up from the pavement and I started to look around. I started to notice what was happening in this world. The grass, the trees. The streets, the cars.

The wonder of a child is still within me. While there are many things that filter the way I see the world now, I still know about as much as I knew than. Now I have concepts. I have theories. Shifting are these concepts and theories though they seem real in my moment.

I have come to enjoy the process at the same time giving my thoughts little weight. If you were to ask me what I believed reality was and I honestly answered. I daresay you’d think me delusional, but I would only be expressing a portion of what I thought reality was.

Would I even think to express the part of me that sits back and just enjoys the artistry of the delusion. The part so used to the shifting that it knows, this is just the game of the mind in the moment. If you asked me the same question the next hour, or even a few moments later the answer to what I believed reality to be would be different.

And so I dance. If I became attached to every shifting idea of the mind, I would exhaust myself. Yet, just as the music changes I keep with the rhythm. Unless enjoyed dancing can be tiring. It is far more fun to dance to many notes than one. Over time, I have become familiar with some notes.

I say to myself, “Oh I am back here again, looking at the world in this way.”

So reader, do you like this particular note? The music of the keyboard in the current I exist in at this moment? I assure you if I had written those other times I opened up a document to write, the song would be a little different.


And this autumn day the rain has passed and the sun is shining with that orange and yellow quality that is the autumn sunshine. My roommate is playing music in the other room. So perhaps the tempo of my voice has shifted.

The notes would continue to shift as long as I was willing to sit here commenting them to paper. To know when a piece of artwork is done. I knew this one was complete two paragraphs ago.

Categories: Blogging

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