Two days after the first day of Fall and I have put out my decorations. I wish I had more Fall decorations. The only season I really have a good amount of decorations for is Winter.
Last year, I picked up over $20 of thrift store Christmas decorations because I hit a jackpot of quality choices. It even included the perfect size of fake tree which I later bought little ornaments for and lights.
I am hoping I will be able to return to that thrift store this Saturday because this is the time they would be selling their Fall stock of decorations. I do not know if I will be able to get to the thrift store. I do not have a car and my sister whom I hang out with most Saturdays is busy getting people to vote this election.
Perhaps I betray my sister in her efforts when I write that I choose to respect you regardless of who you vote for or even if you don’t vote. So much effort is put into getting people to vote. My sister is going to be busy until after Election Day with her efforts to make a better world.
I was daydreaming the last two days. Daydreaming about what would have happened if I made different choices. For example, when I was in elementary school I remember looking through the public library’s children’s room. I found the aisle for children’s books in other languages.
I looked through the books and liked the alphabet of Asian languages. I looked through a number of books and the ones labeled Korean looked like the easiest Asian language to learn because the alphabet seemed to have a pattern that would be easy to pick up.
So I walked out of the children’s room and into the language learning area of the library. I searched and searched for anything to learn Korean. Only someone had checked out all the Korean learning materials because where the shelves said Korean it was empty.
Being young I forgot my goal by the next time I was at the library. I only just remembered it. It took me a while to recall that the language I had decided to learn was Korean.
I was also thinking about how when Youtube was new, I used to make videos and I stopped. So I daydreamed about what if I had stuck with making content for Youtube.
I daydreamed about what if I had been more vocal on blogs, which I started blogging long ago. What if I had been an activist instead of a conversationalist. Because while I shy away from political speak usually in my writing, my alter ego is an outspoken activist who makes art and writes freely/passionately.
I guess I am returning from daydream land. For two days, my head has been in the clouds thinking of alternate realities that might have been. It doesn’t bother me that they were not. It was just fun to think of myself as someone who jumped into action when inspired.
All to often I have examined and pondered letting my fears tell me to choose non-action. I sought peace, but at what cost? I was privileged to be able to access peace. I focused on finding balance within myself and letting the world be.
I did not speak for the one unspoken for. I grew up going to a Catholic school where I learned to hold my tongue. I knew if I debated what was taught in religion class, or most any class, I’d get in trouble.
So when the priest tried to explain to one of my classmates that it was important to not use condoms in sex (Catholic belief) because if you used condoms it turned sex into an animal act. In my head echoed the words, “but animals never use condoms.” When he said further that condoms prevented God from getting through in sex. I thought to myself, “If God wants to get through the condom, God is getting through the condom.”
This is just one example of my inner dialog in religion class. Catholic school nearly turned me into an atheist. I had to overcome many fears religion taught me over the years.
I had to get over my fear of hell because I certainly didn’t fit the standard of a good Catholic (drawn to Tarot cards, psychics, channeling, ghosts, paranormal, etc.) I watched videos on Youtube made by atheists mocking Christianity in comedy to let go little by little of the fear of being punished for following my passion.
Reading one of the Seth books brought up this fear in me. I stayed away from Jane Roberts works for a long time, for just the name Seth made me fearful. Which is interesting because I had a classmate named Seth and didn’t find the name fearful than.
I read the entirety of ‘The Nature of Personal Reality.” Yet, the fear is still there and I haven’t been able to start another even if I believed very much what was being written. Even if the book has changed so much of how I see the world. Even if Seth is highly recommended.
Christianity taught me many fears. On the topic of hell I recall thinking to myself many times, “I’d rather live following my passions (loosely new aged) and go to hell than follow the rules to get into heaven betraying myself along the way.” As a sinner, I’d say I’m pretty mild mannered; choosing a coffee shop over a bar or party. I read a lot of spiritual information, just not of the Christian origin.
Oh! Just looked at the clock. Good night.