After I write a post, I am often called to re-read it and hear the voice that I wrote with repeated in a different moment. Re-reading one’s own writing is a bit different than reading another’s. I have gotten better at writing without typos and at catching them in the review before posting. It used to be that the voice of what I thought I said was so strong in my mind that I would overlook a miswritten word.
I’d say that I might be the person who reads my posts the most. Some posts, one in particular ‘Old Soul, Lightworker, Wander, Indigo, Earth Angel, or Starseed,’ are the most popular posts on this site. It was a good post written before years of reading that shifted my writing voice to what it is now.
It used to be every time an old post got a new like, I would re-read that post. Yet, I stepped away from checking WordPress daily. I stopped following the blogs I used to read and while a few tried and true warriors of blogging still post consistently, many writers have given up on the quest of blogging.
Shifting to a tablet really slowed my writing process, for even when I got a keyboard for the tablet, writing does not feel the same on one. I recently invested in a laptop because tablets have not completely replaced the computer as of yet.
Being on a laptop calls up my old memory of being a writer. Having written school papers, and personal blogs for years on a laptop, I look at the laptop and am called to visit my old blog.
Has my voice changed over the years? That most successful post is filled with keywords that are popular in the spiritual community. Perhaps that is what causes its continued success. Yet, this post has a general title that does not grab the attention.
Here I am. Who I was, that voice is written in the past posts of blogs. Who am I now? Yes, Mooji, the me that wrote those old posts that might not reflect my current beliefs is the same essential me.
I have been the looker, the hearer yet even in the quiet darkness where temperate and feeling disappear. I dare say something had to be there for the memory “I am in the middle of class” to arrive. I had been put on a medication that made me randomly get sleepy. I was getting sleepy in class. Next thing I know out of the void a thought rippled. “I am in the middle of class.” It had a certain memory attached to it, a light stress.
So I returned from the void following that thought. Returning from a state what it wasn’t even nothingness or quietness. Where there was no thought to think this is nothing, no knowledge of what light was to see darkness.
Yet, Mooji, I am very egotistical. I have a certain arrogance from being told I was smart most of my schooling. I have a certain vanity from getting the feeling that people tend to like being around me. People like to talk to me. I expect to have pleasant conversations with strangers and it is rare that a person does not like talking to me.
Anything that goes wrong in the world, somehow it feels as if I was responsible. Even things that seem like they could not remotely be under my control. Yes I am arrogant and prideful and at the same time insecure with myself and seeking approval.
I like to write well. I like to draw well. When something I created meets my approval I feel momentarily joy. When I do these things and I cannot produce to my approval I get frustrated.
The thing is, I really don’t know how to drop my ego, I am aware of it yes. Escape it? Even when I go back to the me I was. People who know me now would be surprised at who I was before. Someone very much proud of how logical I could be. I did well in science and at times wondered if I would become a scientist.
The ego I face the world with now, would have enraged my ego in the past. Yet, yes that was me. Just because something is changeable doesn’t mean it isn’t real. The me then felt trapped by the beliefs I held and sought the spiritual. Many of my beliefs dropped along the way, but I still hold on to the logical scientific self. It is just hidden under fancy spiritual clothes.
Perhaps because the realm I am in is tangible and changing at times I will suffer loss. At times I will gain only to later lose. Even if there is a deeper me aware of the workings of my egotistical self. I seem to be unable to go a step beyond being aware of it. I am here. What is around me that I hear, see, think, smell. There must be a reason for it. It might change, but the changeable nature of reality does not make it an illusion.
I am here, now. I do not know why I am here now or how I am here now. I can create reasons. The book, ‘A Course in Miracles,’ might insult my Ego. Yet, honestly I like how I am. This Ego is how I interact with this realm around me. I do not view it as weak because it is arrogant or sinful because it has desires. No. I just can see that this Ego is many things. Many changing things and half the time I cannot really understand what it is anyway. I just look through these eyes and see. I play. I dance with words. Not just in writing.
I do not know how to get beyond this realm where the Ego plays in illusion. I’ve tried to transcend before. To enter a new realm just with the power of my will. To see what else there was if not this changeable illusion. Yet, after my attempts to transcend subsided, I was still here and now. I still had an Ego and the world played out much the same way as before.
It is like a carrot is being dangled in front of me with the words ‘spirituality’ on it yet the more effort I put towards transcending this changeable illusion the further the carrot goes away. The more I get stuck in my head.
My thoughts of understanding really get me no where. For the understanding of one moment does not translate to the next. I forget a majority of my pondering unless I am writing at the time. Writing holds the thoughts in longer so that I perhaps can recall what that understanding I had was.
It certainly has a current, thought. What I was writing about before has been redirected into what I am writing now. As long as I focus on it, it continues. Until I get bored of thought and call it a day.
Conclusion? Do I have a conclusion of what I am saying. Pretty much the same thing I say to whoever is behind ‘A Course in Miracles.’ Yeah if you want me to focus on an Ego, I can see there might be something called an Ego. I am Egotistical. I am okay with that. The world changes. I am okay with that. At times because of my Ego life might be hard. At times regardless of my Ego life might be hard. I will do my best. I am here. There must be a reason. I don’t know the reason. A majority of the time I do enjoy life, regardless of my Ego. I think I see things differently than a majority of the world. I am unsure if I will be accepted if I do not at least pretend to accept the reality another person seems to be in. I try not to change people, but to let them be because I really don’t know what is going on anyway.
So here I am. Trying to write as honestly and perhaps with as little Ego resistance as possible. Some teachers say this, some teachers say that. I listen. I evaluate. This self identification tool seems to be helpful. Mooji you speak as a person with a sound mind. I will listen from time to time, just as I do intend to someday finish ‘A Course in Miracles.’ I mostly like the book. I am going to review what I just wrote. As I am thinking, “what nonsense arose from me getting triggered by talk about the Ego this time?”