The past is the past and what I wonder NOW is what have I learned from the experience. I am well studied in various esoteric philosophies. One can spend lifetimes studying the vast amount of information. Always studying and never expanding.

When asked the question of ‘what I desire’ I often am blank for an answer. I have everything I need, even if it is not everything society says I should have. I have a rock in myself, ever maturing, ever seeking growth. I have a family to Love and who supports me in the tough times.

I don’t want to follow patterns of whatever illness Doctors currently claim I inhibit. I choose pronoia over paranoia, but I am a unique individual on a quest of betterment. I fit no Standard because there is not a Standard human.

Absentmindedly I had mixed up my medication and ended up in the hospital. Now a great many people want me to see a therapist because they think the next step for me is depression.

I don’t intend to become depressed, nor do I feel it on the horizon. When sadness arises, I will face and allow it in the safety of my bed. Yet, I do not feel I will be depressed. If I cannot handle it, I will know it, just as I knew to seek the Doctor when accidental withdrawal became too much to handle.

I don’t want to tell my story to someone who sees me as ill. I don’t want to be required to talk to a professional because others see me as ill. I am tired of being labeled as mentally ill. I accidently mixed up my medication and I sought help in stabling the imbalance. Yet, at the same time I was on a spiritual journey unlike any I had ever faced.

I believe subconsciously my mind intended me to make the mix up, so that I could see life from a new perspective. It was not a loss, but a gain.

I know there is nothing wrong with illness, but I also know that there is no need to label those who are different as ill because they are different. On top of that Doctors label the inability to see yourself as ill as an illness.

Granted, to the best of my ability, I take my medication every morning and night. Why must I see a professional to be indoctrinated in the narrative of my mind being a wrongness?

I actually had a good time most of the time in the hospital. There has been a great improvement in the last 14 years since I had been in a hospital. Yet, I am ready to continue with life now and not dwell on the past.

I will even continue reading the escotric materials, knowing full well that they are more to entertain my brain while my heart evolves than anything else. I started reading a book called ‘Live Your Divinity.’ It is very enjoyable, but there are parts of it I choose to overlook. I much prefer the Seth method of continuing to see Doctors if you still have faith in them, over the viewpoint about medication in the book ‘Live Your Divinity.’

The book is largely about the integration process of the light/dark, female/male, mind/heart, life/death etc. It seems I am entering into an integration phase of life because even Matt Kahn has started using the term ‘Total Integration.’ The book promises extremes in the beginning of Integration, but I think I have already faced many of the extremes in my life.

In the last few weeks I have been processing a fear that I was unable to face 14 years ago. It took 14 years of transformation to become the strong minded individual who can do emotional alchemy. It took me 14 years to let go of the old belief systems that I was taught about in school and start asking, “What else is possible?”

The Doctors are free to label me with whatever their hearts desire. Society is free to label in whatever way it desires. I know of my own sanity.

And even to those spiritually minded individuals who think medication is a great wrongness. I will take what knowledge you offer that benefits me and ignore the rest. For along with integrating the light/dark aspects of myself, I am also integrating the old energies and the new. The old beliefs and the new beliefs.

I will find my own way, thank you very much, and my way will not be your way. It will not be the old way, or the new way. It will however be a way unique to me and perfectly fitted.