I am typing again with these long nails to get used to it. I know the simple solution would be to cut my nails so I can type faster, but they look nice. So bear with me, I might have trouble getting into a flowing train of thought. Plus it has been so long since I expressed myself this way.

Hello World,

I have been in silence for a long time. Preferring not to document my path in any way. For a while I went to events in an attempt to sell my art, and I was in the flow of life. Yet after some unexpected time in the hospital I stopped feeling safe.

I have learned that when I feel unsafe I become increasingly religious. Reaching out to a higher power to care for me and spending less time on spirituality in general. I collected rosaries and watched prayer YouTube videos. I started watching Mass on the internet daily.

I had several medication changes after the hospitalization that stopped my flow. It seemed I had adapted to my old medication to the point it no longer worked.

I am finally starting to feel secure enough to return to spirituality. I am finally feeling inspired enough and safe enough to write again. I have been in silence a long time. Refusing to write down even my dreams at night to record them.

I wanted no part of the Universe that did not hear my thoughts telepathically to know what was going on in my mind. As my medication seemed to stop working my mind was continually being the monkey mind and I had to detach from many sometimes scary ideas.

I could walk for hours with no podcast or music to listen to as my mind entertained me with its creativity. If I listened to a podcast I couldn’t focus on it long enough to really hear the whole thing.

I had several times when it felt like I was dying. Sometimes I felt I lacked the will to breathe. I have been so sad I couldn’t breathe. Other times I was so mad I couldn’t breathe.

I found a repeated theme of ‘I cannot breathe’ around me. A virus where people died gasping for breath and the yard signs from the protest of George Floyd’s death often saying, ‘I cannot breathe.’ I believe there was a third case of this theme, but I cannot remember it now.

Enough of writing my past. This has been an exercise of writing with long nails. I finally feel safe enough to document anything. I am able to focus better on podcasts and audiobooks. I am finally settling down after feeling much anxiety.