I am strange one


I have finally found a reason for living. I wrote about it twice, one being “I have a purpose now,” so I will let the old post explain. In short, after so many years of wanting to die, I found a purpose to living through helping my family. Now I no longer think about killing myself, and have decided to live life. (For a long time my life felt like I was just waiting to die.) 

Even through I no longer want to die, I am strange in that I continuously read Near Death Experiences. I no longer fear death, but look forward to my chance. Yet, at times it feels like I will be waiting a lifetime. Still, I have made up my mind to wait.

The other day my sister (who I live with) was telling me to clean my room, because the things on my floor could catch fire during a fire. This could trap me in my room. My room isn’t that messy, I doubt this would happen. I just have lots of stuff and no empty shelves to store things on.

I thought to myself that if I am meant to die at a certain time, I will. If I get in a fire before my time to die, I will survive. Stuff on the floor isn’t going to make a difference. So I just told her, “I don’t care.” Thinking about it now, I wonder if my sister thinks I am suicidal because of this answer. When I did try to kill myself six years ago, I did so with little warning to her. It must be scary for my sister.

As I read NDE’s there are so many cool places described. I want to visit them when I die. There are cities of crystal, telepathically talking Stars, and colors that the human eye cannot perceive. So I get frustrated wondering if I will live well into my 100’s. I do not want to grow old, but maybe it is important to my progress as a soul. Perhaps I will talk about the concept of a Life Plan sometime in the future.

NDE’s and other studies of the afterlife have lead some to conclude that our soul plans its life before birth. Our Life Plan is not set in stone because it includes many possible forks in the road, but our soul came to Earth with the goal to learn something. Therefore, if my Soul feels that it is important for me to experience old age, I will live a long life.

2 replies »

  1. Though we do not know the day of our death, every day we do have fulfills some purpose in our life, and in the world. That purpose may become fully clear only when we look back on our days with the wisdom of many years.

    • Yes, if I had died when I tried to kill myself, there is so much I wouldn’t have learned. I would have died thinking I had no purpose in life and was just a burden. That would have been a sad way to die.

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