I will admit it…


As my psychic abilities have been opening, after having shut them down as a child. I have gone from feel oblivious to other’s view of me to feeling people judging me just passing by. I have been sensitive to my weight. Having grown up the skinny kid who could eat anything and not gain weight, something destroyed my thyroid in college. I went into a Mania, and no one thought to check my thyroid.

I was considered either Bipolar or Schizoaffective. I was put on a medication that makes a person gain weight along with having an unknown thyroid problem. Let’s just say my skinniness disappeared.

A when my thyroid problem was discovered, I was in the overweight category. I was put on the Gold standard, Synthroid, and told I would stop gaining weight. That didn’t exactly work, and after I was in the Obese category I was told that Bipolar could be linked the thyroid problems. In my dreams of proving myself no longer needing medication, I researched the thyroid. I learned to have my T3 and rT3 checked instead of just T4.

My T3 to rT3 balance was way out of the needed ratio. I was put on NP Thyroid (as the only T3 medication that my insurance would cover.) I finally stopped gaining weight, but I was now just barely considered Obese. On my Blog fearing judgment and dislikes for being Obese I would state I was overweight. I did not vlog, and only posted photos of myself that made me look thinner.

Weeks ago, I did finally attempt to vlog, but with an upload time of 15 hours for only 3 minutes of video at 460 resolution… I decided that I was not patient enough to be a vlogger. Perhaps something was wrong with my Internet at that time, and maybe someday I will try again.

I even put on makeup for the vlog to gain confidence, but I do not normally even wear make-up to work. At first, I did, but once it became increasingly apparent that I wasn’t going to be hired Full-time, I stopped Dolling up for work. Now I even wear sneakers as I have to walk into work and stand lots.

Anyway, I dieted on Weight Watchers for I think 6 months before losing motivation due to plateauing for many weeks. I regained the 20lbs I had managed to lose in 2 weeks! I soon learned my lesson that playing around with diets was potentially hazardous to me. If I had continued to stay on the program, I might have yo-yo’ed with a much greater weight than I started at once I had lost enough weight to be happy with my weight.

I am in the particularly bad position of my lab tests saying I have a balanced thyroid, and I have not been gaining weight for a year, but I am not happy with my weight. Walking with such weight makes my legs hurt. I need to walk slowly to avoid overworking my legs. Did I tell you that I like to walk? Did I tell you that when I was only 20lb lighter, walking was easier?

I want to return to my natural weight. I am tired of the judgment I feel from people. Normally when people ask a Barista if they should get a medium or large drink, the Barista, trying to make more money, says Large. Now that I am obese, if I ask the same question they get uncomfortable and refuse to answer.

Because, frankly, the reason I am asking is I am hoping they will say Large. So I can justify getting a Large. When they refuse to any, I get a large just to spite them. There was one case where I saw what looked like a tasty donut. I asked the Cashier if I should get it, and I was surprised to, for once, have the cashier encourage me to buy the donut. I used my rational thought then and realized that donuts often make my stomach hurt. I decided to get something smaller. Paradoxically, if the Cashier had refused to answer the question, I would have bought the donut, perhaps even two.

After buying my small chocolate, I thanked the cashier for encouraging me to get the donut. I explain what I have just explained to you, the experience of people not wanting to recommend something unhealthy because I am obese. She responded, “Eat as many F***ing Donuts as your like.”

So in short, I am obese and I am not gaining weight now that my thyroid is balanced. I do often, lately, eat things like Spaghetti because it is easy to cook and I don’t like to cook. I cannot afford to eat out every day. I have to carry any groceries I buy to home because I have no car (with the help of the bus). I have walked through the Mall in shorts before and heard someone comment, “I thought fat people were lazy, but look at her legs.”

As a consequence of carrying such weight, my legs have very big muscles. So a walk to work is more exercise for me then a run would be, if I returned to my childhood BMI. In fact, I have to stop and rest my legs because I am walking uphill.

The odds are stacked against me ever being able to return to my skinny self. The moment I lose motivation I gain back the weight quickly, and while motivated I would have to eat less than another person of the same weight. Studies have shown that the people on the Biggest Loser end up having to eat much less than people who have always been skinny and still gain weight. The process of losing weight so quickly messes up the metabolism.

Any diet messes with the metabolism. My metabolism is extra sensitive due to Hypothyroidism. Even those who lab tests do not show they have Hypothyroidism can often have the disorder. So I suggest society stop judging the obese as lazy. I warn you that judgment about what the obese eats often takes away their will to do anything other than spite you by eating two donuts instead of one.

Yes, I am obese, and I have heard men comment to each other, “She’d be freak’n hot if she were not so fat.” I realize that if I were still skinny, I have a face others would find attractive. My kindheartedness as a Lightworker gives me a radiance that if combined with conventional standards of beauty, would be attractive to others. As it is people notice I seem to stand out to them, and then they notice I am obese.

BTW, I am going to eat as many freak’n donuts as I want.



Categories: Beginnings

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7 replies »

  1. First, you are beautiful! A decade ago I lost 90 pounds. I was obese. It took a year. Slow and steady and loosing the first 30 pounds was the hardest. Then keeping it off. I just loved food and still do. Water and walking helped. I ate a variety of foods, small portions every 2-4 hours. For the year I was loosing weight, I said no to donuts/ice cream, etc. Now… no way! I just try to eat slow and savor. Diets didn’t work for me, it was a lifestyle change. Ask your WW Angel for help! ❤

    • Just discovered the wonders of Cold Brew Tea! I started making Chai yesterday, and decided to test to see if it was done today. It was so good I drank 66oz in an hour. I am going to be rehydrated, I suppose. Now I am testing a second brew by re-brewing the same leaves. Internet says I can re-brew three times and it will still taste better then if I bought bottled tea. Imagine how much tea I can get from the same leaves! It is impossible to overbrew the tea too, or get the wrong temperature (burning the leaves). I can, therefore, mix different teas that have different brewing times without worry. I wanted to mix my Strawberry Green Tea with normal Green Tea because the Strawberry taste was a little to strong, but they had different brewing temperatures. Now I can use up the teas that I didn’t want to throw out, but didn’t have enough left to make more then a cup or two by mixing them together! Plus, Cold brew can have up to half the caffeine of hot brew. So I can drink 66oz and it is like I drank 33 oz… I realize I shouldn’t have had so much tea so late at night, but it tasted so good.

      Thank you for your support on with dieting. I just love tea…

      I usually have about 8oz, because I can drink double I should have stopped at 16 oz. So I had 4 times my normal amount. Next time I need to be in moderation. The effect will be the same as if I had 8oz of coffee late at night. As black tea has half the caffeine as coffee, and cold brew tea has half the caffeine as hot brew tea… so this is not the worst mistake I’ve made… in that I’ve done it before when I used to drink coffee at cafes.

      It wasn’t many calories, only 1 1/2 cups of milk were mixed in the whole 66 oz, and a little honey. Only I might not have needed the honey at all, because the first brew had a lot of spice.

      Sorry I am so off topic. I am glad to have success. Round two might have to wait till Monday morning to be both a good time to have caffeine, and having had at least 24 hours to brew… or will the second brewing go faster…? The internet will tell me.

        • I discovered that the second brew will have even less caffeine! Yet it still needs a few more hours… seems this kind of chai takes 24 hours to brew. I cannot discover if the brew time changes on the second cold brew (was hoping it was faster each time, yet it might be longer.) I can tell by how it looks that it isn’t a long enough brew yet for a black tea… too light. 4 more hours till it’s been 24 hours brewing.

  2. I recently posted about going through this sort of issue. I asked an aquaintance who I know from our K-12 daya if she thought I was going in the right direction. She is/was a Clinical Dietician. She is very anti diet in terms of weight loss “diets” and calorie/point counting. She promotes Intuitive Eating and Health at Any Size. She recommended a book about Intuitive Eating but I don’t recall it at the moment. The gist seems to be we are mislead into thinking skinny means healthy and heavy means unhealthy and that one persons shape and healthy weight can be quite different than another’s. Pay attention and eat when your body tells you its hungry. Stop eatting when you are no longer hungry instead of stuffing yourself sick. Focus on how you feel (strong, energetic, flexible, etc.) instead of a number (weight or size). Don’t deprive yourself of food you enjoy or save up for “cheat days” because you should not feel guilty for eating pizza or a donut. Instead, just find balance in your diet by making sure it is nourishing enough. Focusing on numbers and guilt can be a slippery slope to disordered eating. I hope this helps some.

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