Beginnings

Puzzled


At Starbucks thinking deeply. Today after reading another Schizoaffective person’s short article I considered writing a book on my view. I would not write the book as the good Schizoaffective, but one that questions. One who has studied psychic and many views on reality. One who wonders if they actually need medication.

Then I got to wondering if confessing my limited psychic ability so publically would lead to people calling my doctor demanding I be put on more medication.

I considered what sort of world I live in, is it the conspiracy-filled the world of David Wilcock. Is it the world of Bentinho or Bashar, where all you need is to follow joy.

If I played the role of a good schizoaffective, I very well might be seen as a hero. I could write a blog on stigma, breaking down its walls.

Instead, I wonder if many others use sites like mine to reinforce stereotypes. Talking about Ascension, Cabal, or whatever topic I am interested in, I might sound like a lunatic to many.

I walk the line of just barely ill. I am not on high doses of medication and have a job. If I played my roles right, I’d be working full time by now. I do not, however, want to pretend.

After working at the same place for years, I couldn’t hide anymore and did the forbidden. I admitted to being on Disability. I doubt anyone will hire me full time now at that location.
I find it highly against human rights to have been forced to lie just to make it all in the workforce.

My family keeps on pushing for me to find Full-Time employment. My Mother being a person who was a bit of a hero in a wheelchair, being Disabled is no excuse to not work in my family. Even when I was sleeping 16 hours a day, my family was pushing me to find employment.

I even volunteered to hand out cookies to Cancer Patients at a hospital at this time. I was rejected even as a volunteer who just hands out cookies. That was the state I was in. Yet, my family was telling to find any job.

When I was first out of the hospital recovering and in depression, my family pushed me to find any job then.

I did find one, I was horribly slow and had trouble thinking at the time. I couldn’t understand the simple ordering system of that library. I surely misshelved many a book at that dentistry library.

Now I can think more clearly, but my memory is bad. My job requires much memory. I also am very slow at my job. I have to never talk about being anything other than an ideal worker, but I am not ideal. That is a lie I was once forced to repeat in an attempt to work.

I am not lying anymore. I am Disabled and tired of pretending a Full-time job is the answer to my problems.

I am going to pursue my own kind of employment as an artist/writer. No more applying to jobs I don’t want.

Categories: Beginnings

Tagged as: ,

10 replies »

    • Thank you Molly, I have plenty of time to find a way. A whole lifetime in fact. A great many Channelers suggest that the way will be found. Some feel that the entire system will change, others feel the change will happen first for those who have reached 5-d. Honestly, I just like reading HOPE, it doesn’t matter the vocabulary/prediction. I have found more sanity reading Near Death Experiences, and the accounts of psychics/lightworkers/starseeds/channelers then I ever found anywhere else. For there is Hope in Sanity. Sanity is Peace.

  1. I feel so connected to this piece. I too have Schizoaffective disorder. I just made the decision to stop applying to jobs that I simply can’t hold on to. For a long time I’ve tried to lie to myself. Tried to believe I didn’t have limitations. I live in a fog, and my memory is awful due to all of the meds. I’ve actually started writing and am putting together a collection of poetry about living with this disorder. It’s been so therapeutic. Congrats on figuring out what you want to do. Good luck to you!

    • Thank you, it can be hard to find someone who understands. I hope that you publish your poetry someday (even if you have to self publish.) Yet, I think that such poetry could be interesting enough to get a publisher. I used to Blog to build up an audience for if I ever write a book, now I just love to Blog.

      • That’s amazing. Yes, it’s hard to find others who understand. I don’t feel like anyone knows what Schizoaffective really means. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I do. I’m so all over the place…

        • My explanation is based on Wikipedia which once said, in terms of severity of the illness Schizoaffective is better then Schizophrenia, but worse then Bipolar. I don’t even know if this is really true.

          I think the good thing about Schizoaffective is that, unlike most mental illness, some studies show it gets better with time. It doesn’t get all the way better, but as you get older the illness should become easier to handle. (I think that was also once on wikipedia… or some article I read long ago.)

          Feel free to be as all over the place as you need to be. Perhaps with time, we will both come to an understanding. It only takes one breakthrough, and we could have a better treatment then ever before.

          • I know that its some sort of mix between bipolar and schizophrenia making it a bit more tricky to treat with meds. A part of me is a bit relieved to hear that it can be “worse than bipolar.” Or just hard in general. It helps me feel validated in having such a hard time. I was thinking about volunteering at a library. I’m actually waiting to hear back from them about when I start. I’m not sure I can handle that either, but im gonna try. I just hate not working. For me there’s a shame in that. I just try to avoid comparing myself to other ppl

          • I know the shame. When Homeless people ask me for money on the street, sometimes I wonder at the fact I am disabled is the only thing keeping me from the street.

            My family took me in too, but I feel a little shame in those moments, that I can afford even some luxuries (by not having a car I save money so I can go out to eat/get drinks in cafes.) Yet, here is an individual who needs help, too, but might not be considered disabled, so does not have money.

            Yet, I choose not to focus on that.

            If you volunteer at the library, be sure to try out Shelving. If you have to focus to do that, some libraries have Shelving as a part time job. Others (bigger ones) have Full time jobs Shelving.

            I currently work behind the desk at a library, but I started as a Shelver (This is not the dentistry library I talked about, but many years later.). I was a slow Shelver, but had high accuracy. Accuracy is more important then speed in most libraries.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s