As a child I secretly wished to be a saint. To see God or Mary, but such things were not meant for me. Why? Because saints are humble. Someone with the goal of being a saint is not humble. Someone with this goal only does good deeds in the hope of reward.
(I always felt it extremely unfair that some had the chance to see and hear God, while I could only imagine hearing him.)
I have had many greats in my family. They were local greats, who did great good for their community. When they died the church was packed to the seams. People were forced to stand because every seat was taken. For example my Grandpa who in the 60’s would wake up early every morning to give rides to African Americans who would not have been able to get to work otherwise. This attitude followed him throughout his life. He volunteered his time constantly to the church.
I, sometimes, am afraid that when I die people will wonder, “Did she have any friends?” My church will not be packed unless I change my life. I need to overcome my sleeping issue. (Bipolar is a sleep disorder, especially for me.) I need to give selflessly of the time I gain by no longer sleeping my life away.
Can I do it? Can I, the extreme introvert with a fear of driving, find a way to make up for the debts I have built up from my community? You see people believed in me. I received scholarships to go to college. I am afraid that I have done little to make up for my community debt.
I wish God would give me clear guidance on how to overcome my issues and help others. I know that I have had an impact on others in high school, but since then my influence has waned. I have spent years of my life in my room with my illness eating up my mind. Even now as a much healthier version of myself, I spend a great deal of my time doing nothing.
I need to find my way to enter back into the world.