Beginnings

Ego… Need I say more?

I am a slow person. I have been all my life, but medication has made it worse. At work it takes me longer to do everything. This makes me feel like I will never be a good worker. I have a disability in being bipolar, but I, of course, cannot tell work this. My thoughts are sometimes clouded as well. This makes even a library job, harder.

So I ask myself what am I good at? Art. God has given me talent as an artist, but I am ashamed to show my work. It has gotten to a point where I can no longer complete my pieces. They just are not good enough. Still people say I am good, and I scratch my head and think, “What.”

I have always wanted to be a writer. God has given me limited talent in this area. I will write a first chapter, and then stop. Again it isn’t good enough. In my heart I know I am not meant to write fiction. The words do not flow like they do in blog posts.

So for a while I will try blogging, but that always stops. I tend to write long depressing posts. I think, someone will relate to this and feel they are not alone. Yet no one visits the site. No one likes a downer. So I will create happy posts with dancing furbies and singing hamsters. I sometimes slip up in a depressing post like this.

Ego is a big problem for me. It makes me think I’ve never had a passion or dream, but in reality I just never accepted them. I never felt good enough for them. It keeps me from looking for a new job by making me feel like a bad worker.

My higher self and angels are calling me to the intuitive world so I can learn to recognize the ego, and overcome it. When I had my cards read last winter the reader was impressed by how many major cards came up. He told me that I was being extremely called because of this.

I have not followed the readers advice at all, but the reading was very helpful. It taught me to look at my side of my relationship with my sister. Before I just blamed her for how she treated me.

I have much growing to do, so feel a little like a child. When I was a child I felt more like an adult. Anyway, good journey!

Categories: Beginnings

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2 replies »

  1. Well, it’s not true. I visited your blog :). I am just so bored at my job and I found your blog through Laura Bruno’s blog. And it was so nice to read it because I can relate to so many things (although I haven’t been officially diagnosed with any mental disorder or smth). And I like the way you write too – easy flowing.

    • You don’t have to be mentally ill to experience the same emotions. Years ago I would go to forums and ask people to check the symptoms of Bipolar disorder, just in case. I also would suggest Fish Oil for preventing the illness, if it runs in the family. Avoid St. Johns Wart if you are Bipolar, but that it helps those who suffer from depression. I had a long list of things I would type. Yet, I have learned there is a lot of gray area between illness and the creative mind. Bipolar isn’t so much about what you think, but what you feel. I wasn’t diagnosed as Schizoaffective until after I had stopped telling everyone who suspected mental illness to look up the symptoms of Bipolar. So my old advice only applies to Bipolar. Thank you for liking my writing.

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